you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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