dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I just blew my weed a kiss
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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