I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
