Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
