The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
there is glitter all over my balls
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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