Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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