it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
