you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
