Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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