Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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