I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
