My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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