even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
