My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
