ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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