You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
