my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
