Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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