the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
