i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
