I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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