If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
The power of my boobs compel you
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
