I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
