she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
My room smells like vodka and shame
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
