My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
