i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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