how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
