How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I think people are normalizing furries
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
