It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
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Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
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I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
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