I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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