I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
