I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
