I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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