she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
