my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
He shit in the fireplace
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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