and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
