She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You pole danced in your parka.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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