I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
