thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
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If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize