Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I want to be your penis for a week.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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