my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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