Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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