My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
