I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
