i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
