my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
