tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Randomize
