Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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