My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Randomize
