You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
