nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
