some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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