best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
