i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
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