I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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