Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
