I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
We need to get me chipped asap
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
