I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
