just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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